Everyone talks about the joys of motherhood. They talk about how it is the best decision you’ll ever make. How much you will love your child from the moment you see them.
But no one tells you how truly hard it can be. No one tells you about how much you’ll miss your old life. No one tells you how you might grieve for the life you once had. No one tells you that you might actually regret your decision. I know I did.
In fact, for a long time after my son Shepherd was born I regretted my decision to become a mother. Why? Because I was suffering from postnatal depression. The only thing I could identify was that my decision to become a mother had also brought with it this dark cloud that seemed to hover over me no matter where I went or no matter what I did.
I was severely depressed and I was eventually diagnosed with postnatal depression and given antidepressants. I opted not to take the antidepressants as I really want to try to beat the depression without medication. While there is no harm if you think antidepressants will help you, it was my personal choice that I didn’t want to go down the medication route.
When Shepherd was born, I had purchased a five-year diary which I intended to keep to record the joys of him growing up and how much I loved being a mother. But what that diary actually recorded was so far from what I had intended. Instead, it became a place where I wrote down my deepest darkest feelings.
Three years on, reading these entries has been quite hard going. In the first few months after Shepard was born, I greatly regretted my decision to become a mother and in that darkness I wondered if I would ever find my joy again.
If you’re reading this and in the depths of postnatal depression or depression in general, then let me be your voice of hope. My son Shepherd is now three years old and I can truly say I have found my joy again. It took around two and a half years of wondering whether I had lost it for good but I’m here to tell you that even if you feel so down that you worry you might never get back up, that is just not the case.
You will find your joy again and while you may not look back on those times with fond memories (I certainly don’t), you will be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.
In this post, I’m going to share a few of the things that helped me to find my joy again and helped get me through the darkest period of my life.
These key things are as follows:
- Rediscover who you are
- Start slow
- Always remember your “why”
- Give it time
Recover who you are
Having a child is a truly life altering decision. But what nobody really tells you is that it actually changes you as a person.
One of the things I found so hard to come to terms with after having my son was that I was no longer the person that I always thought I was. Having a child had changed me. Even down to the things that I liked to do in my free time.
Having a child had put a huge limit on my free time meaning I didn’t have time to do all the things I wanted to do. I found myself looking at certain things that I used to do and thinking that actually, I didn’t want to spend my precious free time like that anymore.
I found myself becoming a lot more efficient with time and using my time much more wisely. Less scrolling on social media for one! But one of the interesting things was when I started to try and go back to things that had been important in my life before I had my son, they just didn’t have the same appeal to me anymore.
I basically had to rediscover who this new person was. Not everything in my life was geared around my son now, but I had definitely changed. I had found new hobbies. I had found a new style, in terms of the way that I dressed. A lot about me had changed.
Taking time to discover who this new person was, was one of the best decisions that ever I made. I decided to be open-minded with myself and to try new things and to learn new things along the way. For example, before having Shepherd, I had no idea how to cook. But from day one Shepherd was a really fussy eater! That meant I had to really up my game in terms of learning how to cook things that were suitable for a very picky toddler.
It was tough going and given that I also work full-time, I had to fit my learning into evenings and weekends only (while looking after Shepherd at the same time).
During this exercise I purchased a small slow cooker and it was life changing. I had tried slow cooking years ago but it just didn’t work out very well. I ended up packing it away and never using it again. But the fact that I needed to fit in cooking in and around my work meant I needed something that was convenient with time.
I started slow cooking using my small slow cooker which conveniently made a perfect sized portion for just myself and Shepherd. I ended up mastering slow cooking so much that it has now become a staple part of my life and I love it! I absolutely love slow cooking and I will soon be sharing some recipes on my blog as well for all those parents out there who need an efficient way to cook food for themselves and their child (small portions especially!)
Start slow
I’m a very goal oriented person and I love to make plans, set goals and work towards them. The minute I started to feel like I was gaining some independence again after having a baby, I started to set myself these grand goals that I wanted to achieve in a certain number of days or weeks or years.
But what happened is, as you can imagine, life with a small child doesn’t always go as planned. I would set myself something to do in the evening and then Shepherd would decide that night that he didn’t want to go to bed until really late. That meant that my goal for that day was ruined and I was often left feeling really discouraged and disheartened, which made me feel even more depressed.
When you’re someone who loves self-improvement and making positive changes, it can be really hard when you’re suddenly limited by something in your life outside of yourself. It was something I really had to come to terms with after having Shepherd that I just couldn’t go at the same pace that I used to before I had him.
My advice to anyone in this situation is to start slow. Set yourself small goals that are achievable even if things don’t go to plan. For example, I really wanted to get moving again and start doing more exercise.
Initially I started with big goals of doing a full workout every night after Shepherd had gone to bed. However, it was very common that Shepherd wouldn’t go to bed when he was supposed to. That meant I wouldn’t be able to do my workout as planned and I would feel completely discouraged and lose focus. In addition this would also make my depression much worse because I would feel such regret for the life I once had, where I didn’t have these limitations.
However, when I realised the importance of starting slow, I set myself much smaller goals. I got out my Fitbit again and decided to set myself step goals instead of workout goals. I made sure these were not excessive and allowed for the fact that I typically sat at a desk all day from Monday to Friday.
I didn’t have to go anywhere to achieve my step goal or even leave my property. I could simply go out in the garden, run around with Shepherd and I would be able to get my step goal at the same time as being present with my son.
Set yourself goals like this that can easily flow in and around your child and can actually improve your relationship with them rather than goals that rely on their perfect behaviour. Quick disclaimer, I do appreciate that not every goal can include your child but if you can possibly include them then definitely try to. It definitely helps me to have goals that Shepherd can be a part of as well.
Setting goals like this has really helped me find my joy as it helped me to keep pressing forward at the times when I felt like I just wanted to give up. Give it a try and set yourself some small goals that won’t be too difficult to achieve, but will still give you that sense of achievement when you do achieve them .
Always remember your “why”
What I mean by this is remember why you’re doing something. Remember why you’re seeking your joy again. Why are you trying to be more active or why are you trying to do whatever it is that you’re trying to do?
I really struggled with this one for a long time and then I had a mentorship call with one of my favourite YouTubers and inspirational women, Morgan Tracy J. Morgan said something to me that had a profound impact and something that she didn’t know at the time would change the course of my life forever.
During the coaching I was talking to Morgan about how much I have struggled since having my son and how a lot of times I feel like he’s in the way of me doing the things that I want to do. Morgan then said something to me that would profoundly impact my life. She said let Shepherd be the reason that you do, rather than the reason that you don’t.
Months after the coaching call those words run through my mind every day. That was my “why”. Ultimately, Shepherd was the reason that I was trying to better myself. Shepherd was the reason I wanted to be more active, so that I could keep up with him as he got older and so that I could engage in games with him out in the garden.
Shepherd is the reason I started this blog. He’s inspired me so much and at this point I can finally say he has changed my life for the better. The struggle has been real and it’s included some really, really dark times.
There’s been many times I’ve looked back and longed for the life that I had before I had a child. But now I can truly say that having a child was the right decision. Shepherd is my life and he is the reason that I strive to be a better person each and every day.
Remember whether that’s your child, your partner or something else, always keep that in the forefront of your mind and make them the reason that you do, rather than the reason that you don’t. Remembering your why and keeping that before you every day will help you find that joy that seems to have been lost for good.
Give it time
I know this one might sound like a total copout, but sometimes all you can do is give it time. I really struggled with having a baby and a young toddler. I’m not a baby person and even children I don’t really do (yes even if they’re my own!). I still feel sometimes that I wasn’t cut out to be a mother, thank goodness they don’t stay this young forever is all I can say!
But now that Shepherd is that much older and gaining that small bit of independence each day, I can truly say being a mum is so much easier. I was searching for joy constantly when Shepherd was a baby and I wondered why I couldn’t find it. Sometimes you just have to wait.
As the saying goes: “Time heals all wounds” and sometimes the only thing you can do is to bide your time and wait it out. That doesn’t mean you don’t continue to work on yourself and you don’t continue to do things to try to improve how you feel, but sometimes it means, you do just have to give it time.
Sometimes you just have to keep going and keep pushing and keep trying. But you will get there. I’m proof of that. I was someone who wrote in a journal three years ago that I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. Now three years later, I can say I have found my joy, and it’s a greater joy than I ever knew before having Shepherd.
Conclusion
Postnatal depression or any kind of depression is one of the worst things that anyone can go through. It feels like something you want to run away from, only you can’t because it’s inside of you. No matter where you go or who you are with, the dark cloud is always looming over you.
It’s not something to be taken lightly and we all have to reach out and seek assistance if we need it. Whether that means confiding in someone you love or going to the doctor and getting the right medication. But what I want to tell anyone who’s going through depression is that this is not the end.
It might feel like you’ll never be happy again. Like you’ll never find that joy and that it’s truly gone for good. But I’m here to be the voice of hope and tell you that is not true. You can find your joy again. There are things you can do to help yourself. But sometimes you just have to give it time. Keep striving, keep believing and keep hoping.
