Patience (or lack thereof!) is something that I know all about. In fact, as I write this post it is 10pm on a Monday night. I’m tired after doing a full day’s work and ready to go to bed… but I can’t because my toddler is roaming around the house with all the energy in the world. My three year old son, Shepherd has tested my patience more over the last three years than anyone else ever did throughout the rest of my life.
Before having my son I would have told you that I was a patient person but clearly I was very, very wrong. In fact, I didn’t actually know it was possible for another human being to test my patience so much.
See, the patience testing this evening started a few hours ago when Shepherd found a straw and proceeded to try to suck up dust from under the couch using it. Not only is that completely unhygienic and downright disgusting but he also has hay fever and allergies which were then triggered by this activity.
After the dust incident, Shepherd then proceeded to rummage through the kitchen cupboards and found a box of eggs. After I expressly told him to put them back in the cupboard, he actually decided it would be better to remove all 10 eggs from the box and lay them directly on the kitchen floor, dropping one in the process which I then had to clean up.
So if anyone knows about patience (or impatience) it is me. While I definitely have not been as patient as I could have been tonight, I have come a long way on this journey of becoming a more patient person and mother. Below are 5 tips for being more patient with your toddler especially at the times when you really feel like blowing a gasket.
- Take a deep breath
- Step away for a few a minute if you can
- Write down your feelings
- Stretch
- Change your perspective
Take a deep breath
When you feel like shouting, screaming and generally like you might just explode with rage or frustration the best thing you can do is to take a deep breath, or even better, a few. Stand tall and do some big inhales and slow exhales.
Taking a moment to just breathe is a great way to get more oxygen to your brain and to help you think clearly. I frequently use this technique to help reset myself when Shepherd is really frustrating me.
If you only have the time to take one deep breath then go with that. If you can take up to five breaths then that is even better. Taking some time out to do this helps you reset your emotions and enables you to respond more calmly or thoughtfully than responding to your toddler in the heat of the moment.
When you’re really frustrated it’s so easy to shout and say things to your children that you end up regretting. Having a moment to take a few deep breaths also gives you time to think about how you want to respond and what you want to say.
It gives you a moment to think about the kind of parent you want to be and allows you to make a conscious choice to do that rather than just respond impulsively.
Step away for a few moments
Being patient at the height of rage is one of the toughest things to do. In fact it is nearly impossible. One of the best things you can do to stop yourself saying or doing something that you will regret is to step away for a few moments if you can.
Simply turn and walk away from the situation.
Just a quick disclaimer before you do this, make sure that your toddler is in a safe environment. For example, if they themselves are in a fit of rage and could potentially hurt themselves or someone else, then this is not the time to step away. However, if your toddler is just messing around and being generally annoying (I know this happens quite a lot with mine!) then there is no danger to taking a few moments to reset.
Just walking into another room for a moment, putting yourself in a different environment is a great way to reset your mental state. Stepping away from the environment where you feel enraged is a great way to do a mini mental reset.
Combine this with taking a few deep breaths and this can make a real difference to how you feel. Allowing yourself a few minutes to do a mental reset also gives you some time to think about how you want to respond to the situation rather than letting your emotions determine that response without your conscious thought.
Write down your feelings
Writing down your feelings is another great way to stop yourself reacting impulsively towards your toddler and helps you become more patient and reflective. This applies to both writing things down in the moment but also afterwards. If you can pull out a piece of paper, notebook or even your phone and just write down how you’re feeling in the moment where you are frustrated, then this is a great thing to do.
Be as honest as you can. Even if you don’t like seeing the words written down it’s still a great way to release them without pushing those words onto somebody else which is likely to be something you would regret doing anyway.
If you type your feelings in the notes app on your phone or on a scrap piece of paper, you can always delete or discard once you have calmed down. I have often found when I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been really frustrated or annoyed at Shepherd, pausing and putting my feelings down into words has also allowed me time to calm down.
Most importantly it has meant that I’ve put those often harsh words down on paper where no one was hurt by them and not spoken them to Shepherd.
It is also really useful sometimes to reread those words when you are not in the height of the moment anymore. Doing this allows you to reflect on the situation and can even help you identify what your triggers might have been.
What was it about that situation that caused you to become so frustrated or annoyed? Could you avoid this in the future? If not, at least maybe you can be more prepared for your emotions should that situation arise again. Identifying at least what triggers your annoyance can help you to manage your emotions better in the future and help you not take out your frustrations on your child.
Stretch
Bear with me on this one because this might seem like a strange one! When I worked in one of my previous jobs, HR introduced a policy of desk yoga. We were encouraged routinely throughout the day to take a moment and to do some stretches at our desk.
Desk yoga can be found many places online and includes some really simple stretches you can do literally anywhere. Sometimes taking a moment to stretch in the height of frustration can help you feel more calm.
Even if that means just stretching up to the ceiling for a moment and closing your eyes while you do so or stretching down to the ground and reaching for your toes. This simple act can help you to do a mini reset in your mind. It allows you to reset the chemicals in your brain and enables you to think more clearly. This then enables you to respond to the situation more calmly than you would have done before. I know it sounds strange but I promise you it really does make a difference so give it a try!
Change your perspective
After having Shepard, I really struggled with this one. Prior to having my son, I had not wanted to have children at all. Although I’m ashamed to admit it now, much of the time when Shepherd was really young, I resented the fact that I couldn’t be doing my own thing.
I hated that I had to be looking after a child instead of doing what I wanted to do. In hindsight, I see how selfish this was. It’s something I still slip back into mentally from time to time, particularly when Shepherd is really hard work. I often wonder what I could be doing if I wasn’t having to deal with the frustrations of this situation.
Changing my perspective has literally been a game changer and a life changer. I started to think about all the things in my life that would have been worse had I not had Shepherd. I wouldn’t have started this blog for one thing!
But there’s so many more things I wouldn’t have learned either. I wouldn’t have learned to cook because I wouldn’t have needed to get a tiny fussy eater to eat! I wouldn’t have learned how to do things as efficiently as I have done because I would have had all the time in the world to be inefficient. I wouldn’t have learned patience because I probably could have gotten away with being an impatient person and not even knowing that I was one.
Shepherd is really frustrating and annoying and sometimes all I can do in those moments is to change my perspective. When he insists on playing around instead of brushing his teeth at night (and this can sometimes go on for a good 20 minutes!) I have learnt to just be in the moment.
I have learned instead of feeling frustrated that I could be doing something else, that rather I should be grateful. I should be grateful that he has the energy to play around for so long and isn’t bed bound due to some illness. I choose to look at the positives of any situation no matter how frustrating it can be in the moment.
Changing my perspective has really changed my life. While I still get very frustrated and feel impatient with Shepherd sometimes, changing my perspective has made the biggest difference. Taking a moment to appreciate how different things could be (and not necessarily for the better) helps me to remain patient with Shepherd and look at him in love when he’s annoying me rather than taking it personally.
If I could give the parents of toddlers one piece of advice, it would be to change your perspective and look at your annoying little person or people from a place of LOVE rather than seeing them as a hindrance (even when they are dropping perfectly good eggs on your kitchen floor!)
Definitely going to have to give these ideas ago, seem really simple and effective.